Self Sabotage

Sabotage: the act of deliberately damaging, destroying or obstructing something.
This is a hard one to write, because I’m openly admitting a fault, and it’s harder to post because now you all know my secret.

It’s funny, I don’t sabatoge myself on everything, it’s just a few things. When I was younger, I was a competitive swimmer and always did stupid things so that if I didn’t place well, I had excuses. I acted like I didn’t care or said I didn’t care. The more I said it, the more I convinced myself. This was all to protect myself from disappointment. I had excuses to suck, so then I didn’t have to feel so bad. I look back on this and want to kick my 15 yr old self, I could have had more accomplishments and had more confidence in my swimming abilities. But there is nothing I can do about it now, but learn for my future and pass this advice to others.

I also sabotaged my health/goals for my fitness. Its almost a sickness. When I did my bikini competition in 2013, I followed my lifting and cardio plan, followed my macros to perfection EXCEPT I would sneak chocolate covered acai berries. I stashed those things like a squirrel and would straight binge. Now I had an excuse if I didn’t place well. I was still very proud of how I placed (5th out of 7 ), because honestly I just wanted the experience, but reflecting back I want to smack myself for not giving it my all.

Unfortunately I still sabotage my “body” goals and its purely emotionally based. I think eating naughty food will make me happy, but it only makes me happy for a moment. When I stick to my plan, stay driven and don’t fall to my old habits, my happiness lasts so much longer and there isn’t any regret! I highly recommend ready the book Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth. I keep re-reading this book because she also struggled with self-sabotage and emotional eating. I need to re-set my thinking and re-train my mind into knowing whats good for me and what gives me balance.

What’s so funny is that in other parts of my life I totally kick butt and accomplish and crush goals. Why is it that I can be a rockstar in my business, but not in certain personal goals? In my yoga practice last week, my teacher spoke of one’s own possibilities and not getting in your own way. I know that I set goals or there is something I want so badly, but I can’t picture it so I paralyze myself. Self doubt can be one of the scariest things. We all have enough haters, obstacles and negativity surrounding us, the last thing we need is to get into our own heads and find excuses. I think sometimes we set goals with low expectations to escape failure and defeat. But what if we knew for certain that we would get there? Would we set the bar higher?

What is in your way of reaching your goals, finding your full potential and creating your amazing life? I find that it’s easier to reach my goals by taking baby steps. Its crazy how much we can celebrate the little accomplishments. Who said everything needs to be big, great and huge? My take away is to think small and have faith. Know that I can accomplish ANYTHING!!!!

Odd Girl Out

I’m at my sister’s baby shower watching her open gifts, but being ambushed by little kids opening them for her. I texted my husband “I’m broken. I don’t find any of this baby stuff cute and the kids are opening her gifts for her. I’m so annoyed” He was kind enough to respond saying “you’re not broken, you just don’t like that stuff”

I’m writing this not to offend anyone or be insensitive but to just share my feelings on this very touchy subject…babies.

As a young girl, I loved playing house and being a mommy or playing teacher. Up until I was 21, my goal was to have 4 kids and stay at home with them. I wanted 2 boys, Joshua and Lucas and 2 girls Madison and Kayla. As I grew older, built my career and found my passions, wanting to have a family went away.
Before Ryan and I got engaged I told him I was 85% sure I didn’t want kids. And we were both open to adopting as well. This was a conversation that needed to be had. I felt horrible because Ryan was open to the idea and he loved me so much that he was willing to sacrifice being a father to be with me. How horrible was I not to return that selflessness?  I couldn’t put making him a father in front of my own choice not to be a mother, but that didn’t mean I loved him less. He is my world. I once sat next to a woman tell another woman, who was single and unsure about having kids,(they both knew I was married) say “you will want kids when you meet the right man” OH SNAP!!! I wanted to punch that judgmental b$*ch in the face. How dare you say that? But then I calmed myself down realizing that her statement was her own insecurity.

In my mid 20’s everyone was always telling me;

“you’re young, you’ll change your mind”

“It will change your life, you have to”

“Don’t you want to leave a piece of you when you leave this world”

Then as I got closer to 30;

“You would be such a great mom”

“You have no idea what you will be missing”

“Who will take care of you when you are older”

“Who will you celebrate the holidays with”

“It’s different when they are your own children”

Gah! Leave me alone. Now to address some of these statements, just because I was young doesn’t mean I’m going to change my mind. It’s actually the opposite, I’m more sure of my decision that ever.

I know a child would change my life and I would be a great mom, but I’m already a great cat mom and LOVE  my life the way it is, I don’t want to change it. It’s also true that I don’t know what I am missing, but you have children and have no idea what experiences you are missing that I have the opportunity to enjoy. You can’t compare the two. They are so different and are customized to our own lifestyles. Everyone has their own ideal life and I am living mine.

I’m not going to lie, I have questioned my decision only because I want certain experiences you can have with kids, like the first time you take them to Disney, all of the funny things they say and matching mommy daughter bikinis but you can’t chose what parts you want. When it comes to a baby, it’s all or nothing.

I am leaving a lot behind when I leave this life and honestly the world can be such a cruel and ugly place that sometimes I’m glad I’m not introducing something so innocent. As far as holidays and getting older, well family isn’t defined biologically, so I could be with family friends or just Ryan and I somewhere tropical. As of now I have 3 nieces and nephews who can suck up to me until the day I die to get Auntie Angie’s $$$$, your kids just think they are entitled to it.

I know I have my reasons for not wanting them and I respect your reasons to have them. I have many friends that are struggling to have a family and it hurts my heart. I feel like a b*$ch saying I don’t want them but if I could I would give them all my fertile energy. Life isn’t fair when the couple that would be amazing parents aren’t given the chance to shine!

I’m now in a not so fun position in my life. My friends that already have children, don’t think to include me in their activities. Do I want to be invited all the time, no, but it’s nice to be invited. My friends that are starting their families don’t realize that our friendships are going to change. I am so happy for all of my friends and family that are stepping into the next phase. I know they will and respect that but honestly it sucks being the odd girl out. I’m not trying to be selfish, but when you are the girl that isn’t following social norms, you feel rejected.

I’m not saying that I don’t like kids, I can tolerate the well parented offspring, but there are quite a few little a$$holes being raised and those children will get the death stare from me all day.

I think as women we need to support each other’s decisions about children. Some chose to work, some chose to have 3-4 kids and some of chose not to have them at all. We are all making the RIGHT choice for our own lives.

Protein Pancake PaRtY!

I have a crazy September ahead and sometimes I need a quick on the go breakfast or snack. INSERT: Protein Pancakes! I host a huge pancake making party, by myself, and just flipped away! These are also a great option for if you are traveling. I keep them frozen and heat them up in my hotel in my travel size crock pot. I also eat them when I am craving a donut or a pastry or when I need nutrition but am on the run!

Here’s what you will need for equipment:

  • Nutri-bullet or Magic-bullet
  • Mixer
  • Griddle (goes much faster)

Ingredients:

  • Eggs
  • Gluten free oats
  • Vanilla
  • Low fat cottage cheese
  • Quest Multi Purpose Protein Powder
  • Flavors: Dark Banana, White chocolate Raspberry or Blueberry White

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Remember this is a BULK recipe but you can take the base and separate it into different flavors. I also use the Nutri-Bullet to make my oats into flour!

16 egg whites, 2 cups oats (blended), 2 scoops protein powder, 2/3 cup cottage cheese and 1 TBSP vanilla. 

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For the different flavors:

White Chocolate Raspberry: fold in 2 cups of raspberries. Once you pour your pancake on the griddle, add 3-5 white chocolate chips on top. (my batch size made 20 pancakes. Calorie: 101 Fat: 2 Carb: 11 Protein:13)

Dark Banana: use blender to mix in 3 bananas. This will make the batter a little runny. Again, add 3-5 dark chocolate chips per pancake once poured. (my batch made 23 pancakes. Calorie: 86  Fat: 1 Carb: 10 Protein: 9)

Blueberry White: fold in 2 cups of blueberries and again add 3-5 white chocolate chips per pancake. (my batch made 16 pancakes. Calorie: 101 Fat:1.5 Carb: 12 Protein:10)

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Once you have them all cooked, I put 3-4 in plastic baggies and store them in the freezer. I usually keep a bag in the fridge so they are defrosted. When you are ready to enjoy these AMAZING P-cakes, just pop them in the toaster! If you are watching your sugar, feel free to skip the chips, but they are my favorite part. That melty goodness in a random bite!!

PaRtY oN!!!