Dirty Little Secret

I’m not good enough…

I’m not writing this for sympathy or for you to pity me. I’m not looking for positive reinforcement or judgement. I am simply writing this for myself and for others who might be going through the same thing.

I am depressed and have constant anxiety.  I hate my body. I binge eat super naughty foods. And most days I judge and shame myself.

I am in constant fight mode. My defenses are up because of my need to be’s and not enough’s;

I need to be happy.

I need to be healthy.

I’m not enough at my job.

I need to be the perfect wife.

I need to be a motivator.

I need to be a success.

I don’t fit in with my friends lifestyles.

I need to be more…

Holy $hit! I’m exhausted. I care so much about how other people perceive me, that my ego is constantly on and it’s struggling to keep up. I put up a very good disguise. It’s an act that I’m a part of 24/7.

I have a great life. I am married to an amazing man who loves me for who I am. I have a loving family, awesome friends and a very successful career, so I am supposed to be happy, right?  My career is based on me being happy and making my clients look their best and feel their best. How I am supposed to help them feel better when internally I’m a hot mess and am a fraud? A majority of my co-workers are fun to be around but it’s a deadly combo. You mix a bunch of insecure, judge mental women together and it’s toxic. I’m not attacking all of them but there are a select few I’m distancing myself from. How can I be real when a facade surrounds me?

I always tracked my weight and over the years it goes up and up and up. Currently I am sitting at 170 lbs. Yes I have some muscle but my addiction to sugar to make am feel happy has put a padding around it. My weight goes up and down because my mood goes up and down. I let my weight define who I am and what I deserve.  I am always looking for that “miracle” to fix me. I crash diet, workout like crazy, change my birth control, try blaming it hormones and try any cream or wrap to lose the inches. None of it worked.

I currently talk to a therapist and at the beginning of the year I was feeling great. I had a new plan to fix my metabolism, the witch at work was out of my life, I was turning 30, had an year filled with fun ahead and finally felt balanced. My therapist taught me that my worth wasn’t based on the number on the scale or what others thought about me. Self-care was very important (see Self Care blog). I had confidence. I was traveling with my husband. I was smiling. I felt genuine. I felt like myself and was comfortable being me.

Summer came along and I started to fall off track with my eating, self care, therapist appointments and changed my birth control. I had no idea how sensitive I was with my hormones. I slowly started slipping away from my mantras and beliefs and fell into the “social” norm. I started judging others to lift myself up and hopped on the Shame Train. I started comparing and felt like I was falling short. I was questioning every single thought and move I made and tortured my self with negative thoughts.

I was falling apart. I dreaded going to work. My marriage was passive and I secluded myself from friends and family. November and December were the worst. I was in a dark place…all by myself. I didn’t want to be around anyone. My estrogen levels were so high that every morning I would get up, binge on Caribou donuts, sugar coffee drinks and Starbucks breakfast sandwiches. I would eat, fall back to sleep for 2-3 hrs and get up and force myself to make it through the day. I hated getting ready. I starred at my body every morning, shaming it and punishing myself by eating more crappy food. I was eating fast food (which I had not consumed in 16 months), drinking wine every night, and was a lazy, lifeless body. Joy and self love a a thing in the past.

I would cry over anything and everything. I hysterically bawled when Dumbledore died in Harry Potter, when ever I heard certain songs and every morning when I woke up and saw my reflection. I couldn’t stop. I also had anger issues and my anxiety was through the roof. I was frustrated with myself and fighting. Over Christmas all I did was cry. I was at the bottom and couldn’t see the light.

The Tuesday after Christmas, I met with my “team” of professionals to get me on the right path. I started a cleanse to get all the inflammation out of my stomach and to re-train my taste buds and brain to not rave sugar. My therapist finally pushed me to cry. She helped me come to the realization that I don’t love myself and don’t think I’m deserving of just being me and that being enough.

As of today, as I’m sitting on the plane heading to Miami, I am feeling OK. The past 10 days has been baby steps to a healthier me. I took the time to prep food, enjoy yoga, clean my house when I felt like it, and told myself that Miami won’t be anymore or less fun with the way my body looks. If someone wants to judge me, I applaud them and hope it brings them happiness. My therapist gave me a great mantra from Brene Brown; ” In my defenselessness, my safety lies”. This is from her book Daring Greatly, which I just started reading. Once I put my fists down and was gentle with myself, I knew I could get out of this dark hole.

I AM ENOUGH…