Dirty Little Secret

I’m not good enough…

I’m not writing this for sympathy or for you to pity me. I’m not looking for positive reinforcement or judgement. I am simply writing this for myself and for others who might be going through the same thing.

I am depressed and have constant anxiety.  I hate my body. I binge eat super naughty foods. And most days I judge and shame myself.

I am in constant fight mode. My defenses are up because of my need to be’s and not enough’s;

I need to be happy.

I need to be healthy.

I’m not enough at my job.

I need to be the perfect wife.

I need to be a motivator.

I need to be a success.

I don’t fit in with my friends lifestyles.

I need to be more…

Holy $hit! I’m exhausted. I care so much about how other people perceive me, that my ego is constantly on and it’s struggling to keep up. I put up a very good disguise. It’s an act that I’m a part of 24/7.

I have a great life. I am married to an amazing man who loves me for who I am. I have a loving family, awesome friends and a very successful career, so I am supposed to be happy, right?  My career is based on me being happy and making my clients look their best and feel their best. How I am supposed to help them feel better when internally I’m a hot mess and am a fraud? A majority of my co-workers are fun to be around but it’s a deadly combo. You mix a bunch of insecure, judge mental women together and it’s toxic. I’m not attacking all of them but there are a select few I’m distancing myself from. How can I be real when a facade surrounds me?

I always tracked my weight and over the years it goes up and up and up. Currently I am sitting at 170 lbs. Yes I have some muscle but my addiction to sugar to make am feel happy has put a padding around it. My weight goes up and down because my mood goes up and down. I let my weight define who I am and what I deserve.  I am always looking for that “miracle” to fix me. I crash diet, workout like crazy, change my birth control, try blaming it hormones and try any cream or wrap to lose the inches. None of it worked.

I currently talk to a therapist and at the beginning of the year I was feeling great. I had a new plan to fix my metabolism, the witch at work was out of my life, I was turning 30, had an year filled with fun ahead and finally felt balanced. My therapist taught me that my worth wasn’t based on the number on the scale or what others thought about me. Self-care was very important (see Self Care blog). I had confidence. I was traveling with my husband. I was smiling. I felt genuine. I felt like myself and was comfortable being me.

Summer came along and I started to fall off track with my eating, self care, therapist appointments and changed my birth control. I had no idea how sensitive I was with my hormones. I slowly started slipping away from my mantras and beliefs and fell into the “social” norm. I started judging others to lift myself up and hopped on the Shame Train. I started comparing and felt like I was falling short. I was questioning every single thought and move I made and tortured my self with negative thoughts.

I was falling apart. I dreaded going to work. My marriage was passive and I secluded myself from friends and family. November and December were the worst. I was in a dark place…all by myself. I didn’t want to be around anyone. My estrogen levels were so high that every morning I would get up, binge on Caribou donuts, sugar coffee drinks and Starbucks breakfast sandwiches. I would eat, fall back to sleep for 2-3 hrs and get up and force myself to make it through the day. I hated getting ready. I starred at my body every morning, shaming it and punishing myself by eating more crappy food. I was eating fast food (which I had not consumed in 16 months), drinking wine every night, and was a lazy, lifeless body. Joy and self love a a thing in the past.

I would cry over anything and everything. I hysterically bawled when Dumbledore died in Harry Potter, when ever I heard certain songs and every morning when I woke up and saw my reflection. I couldn’t stop. I also had anger issues and my anxiety was through the roof. I was frustrated with myself and fighting. Over Christmas all I did was cry. I was at the bottom and couldn’t see the light.

The Tuesday after Christmas, I met with my “team” of professionals to get me on the right path. I started a cleanse to get all the inflammation out of my stomach and to re-train my taste buds and brain to not rave sugar. My therapist finally pushed me to cry. She helped me come to the realization that I don’t love myself and don’t think I’m deserving of just being me and that being enough.

As of today, as I’m sitting on the plane heading to Miami, I am feeling OK. The past 10 days has been baby steps to a healthier me. I took the time to prep food, enjoy yoga, clean my house when I felt like it, and told myself that Miami won’t be anymore or less fun with the way my body looks. If someone wants to judge me, I applaud them and hope it brings them happiness. My therapist gave me a great mantra from Brene Brown; ” In my defenselessness, my safety lies”. This is from her book Daring Greatly, which I just started reading. Once I put my fists down and was gentle with myself, I knew I could get out of this dark hole.

I AM ENOUGH…

 

 

 

 

 

Self Sabotage

Sabotage: the act of deliberately damaging, destroying or obstructing something.
This is a hard one to write, because I’m openly admitting a fault, and it’s harder to post because now you all know my secret.

It’s funny, I don’t sabatoge myself on everything, it’s just a few things. When I was younger, I was a competitive swimmer and always did stupid things so that if I didn’t place well, I had excuses. I acted like I didn’t care or said I didn’t care. The more I said it, the more I convinced myself. This was all to protect myself from disappointment. I had excuses to suck, so then I didn’t have to feel so bad. I look back on this and want to kick my 15 yr old self, I could have had more accomplishments and had more confidence in my swimming abilities. But there is nothing I can do about it now, but learn for my future and pass this advice to others.

I also sabotaged my health/goals for my fitness. Its almost a sickness. When I did my bikini competition in 2013, I followed my lifting and cardio plan, followed my macros to perfection EXCEPT I would sneak chocolate covered acai berries. I stashed those things like a squirrel and would straight binge. Now I had an excuse if I didn’t place well. I was still very proud of how I placed (5th out of 7 ), because honestly I just wanted the experience, but reflecting back I want to smack myself for not giving it my all.

Unfortunately I still sabotage my “body” goals and its purely emotionally based. I think eating naughty food will make me happy, but it only makes me happy for a moment. When I stick to my plan, stay driven and don’t fall to my old habits, my happiness lasts so much longer and there isn’t any regret! I highly recommend ready the book Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth. I keep re-reading this book because she also struggled with self-sabotage and emotional eating. I need to re-set my thinking and re-train my mind into knowing whats good for me and what gives me balance.

What’s so funny is that in other parts of my life I totally kick butt and accomplish and crush goals. Why is it that I can be a rockstar in my business, but not in certain personal goals? In my yoga practice last week, my teacher spoke of one’s own possibilities and not getting in your own way. I know that I set goals or there is something I want so badly, but I can’t picture it so I paralyze myself. Self doubt can be one of the scariest things. We all have enough haters, obstacles and negativity surrounding us, the last thing we need is to get into our own heads and find excuses. I think sometimes we set goals with low expectations to escape failure and defeat. But what if we knew for certain that we would get there? Would we set the bar higher?

What is in your way of reaching your goals, finding your full potential and creating your amazing life? I find that it’s easier to reach my goals by taking baby steps. Its crazy how much we can celebrate the little accomplishments. Who said everything needs to be big, great and huge? My take away is to think small and have faith. Know that I can accomplish ANYTHING!!!!

Odd Girl Out

I’m at my sister’s baby shower watching her open gifts, but being ambushed by little kids opening them for her. I texted my husband “I’m broken. I don’t find any of this baby stuff cute and the kids are opening her gifts for her. I’m so annoyed” He was kind enough to respond saying “you’re not broken, you just don’t like that stuff”

I’m writing this not to offend anyone or be insensitive but to just share my feelings on this very touchy subject…babies.

As a young girl, I loved playing house and being a mommy or playing teacher. Up until I was 21, my goal was to have 4 kids and stay at home with them. I wanted 2 boys, Joshua and Lucas and 2 girls Madison and Kayla. As I grew older, built my career and found my passions, wanting to have a family went away.
Before Ryan and I got engaged I told him I was 85% sure I didn’t want kids. And we were both open to adopting as well. This was a conversation that needed to be had. I felt horrible because Ryan was open to the idea and he loved me so much that he was willing to sacrifice being a father to be with me. How horrible was I not to return that selflessness?  I couldn’t put making him a father in front of my own choice not to be a mother, but that didn’t mean I loved him less. He is my world. I once sat next to a woman tell another woman, who was single and unsure about having kids,(they both knew I was married) say “you will want kids when you meet the right man” OH SNAP!!! I wanted to punch that judgmental b$*ch in the face. How dare you say that? But then I calmed myself down realizing that her statement was her own insecurity.

In my mid 20’s everyone was always telling me;

“you’re young, you’ll change your mind”

“It will change your life, you have to”

“Don’t you want to leave a piece of you when you leave this world”

Then as I got closer to 30;

“You would be such a great mom”

“You have no idea what you will be missing”

“Who will take care of you when you are older”

“Who will you celebrate the holidays with”

“It’s different when they are your own children”

Gah! Leave me alone. Now to address some of these statements, just because I was young doesn’t mean I’m going to change my mind. It’s actually the opposite, I’m more sure of my decision that ever.

I know a child would change my life and I would be a great mom, but I’m already a great cat mom and LOVE  my life the way it is, I don’t want to change it. It’s also true that I don’t know what I am missing, but you have children and have no idea what experiences you are missing that I have the opportunity to enjoy. You can’t compare the two. They are so different and are customized to our own lifestyles. Everyone has their own ideal life and I am living mine.

I’m not going to lie, I have questioned my decision only because I want certain experiences you can have with kids, like the first time you take them to Disney, all of the funny things they say and matching mommy daughter bikinis but you can’t chose what parts you want. When it comes to a baby, it’s all or nothing.

I am leaving a lot behind when I leave this life and honestly the world can be such a cruel and ugly place that sometimes I’m glad I’m not introducing something so innocent. As far as holidays and getting older, well family isn’t defined biologically, so I could be with family friends or just Ryan and I somewhere tropical. As of now I have 3 nieces and nephews who can suck up to me until the day I die to get Auntie Angie’s $$$$, your kids just think they are entitled to it.

I know I have my reasons for not wanting them and I respect your reasons to have them. I have many friends that are struggling to have a family and it hurts my heart. I feel like a b*$ch saying I don’t want them but if I could I would give them all my fertile energy. Life isn’t fair when the couple that would be amazing parents aren’t given the chance to shine!

I’m now in a not so fun position in my life. My friends that already have children, don’t think to include me in their activities. Do I want to be invited all the time, no, but it’s nice to be invited. My friends that are starting their families don’t realize that our friendships are going to change. I am so happy for all of my friends and family that are stepping into the next phase. I know they will and respect that but honestly it sucks being the odd girl out. I’m not trying to be selfish, but when you are the girl that isn’t following social norms, you feel rejected.

I’m not saying that I don’t like kids, I can tolerate the well parented offspring, but there are quite a few little a$$holes being raised and those children will get the death stare from me all day.

I think as women we need to support each other’s decisions about children. Some chose to work, some chose to have 3-4 kids and some of chose not to have them at all. We are all making the RIGHT choice for our own lives.

Protein Pancake PaRtY!

I have a crazy September ahead and sometimes I need a quick on the go breakfast or snack. INSERT: Protein Pancakes! I host a huge pancake making party, by myself, and just flipped away! These are also a great option for if you are traveling. I keep them frozen and heat them up in my hotel in my travel size crock pot. I also eat them when I am craving a donut or a pastry or when I need nutrition but am on the run!

Here’s what you will need for equipment:

  • Nutri-bullet or Magic-bullet
  • Mixer
  • Griddle (goes much faster)

Ingredients:

  • Eggs
  • Gluten free oats
  • Vanilla
  • Low fat cottage cheese
  • Quest Multi Purpose Protein Powder
  • Flavors: Dark Banana, White chocolate Raspberry or Blueberry White

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Remember this is a BULK recipe but you can take the base and separate it into different flavors. I also use the Nutri-Bullet to make my oats into flour!

16 egg whites, 2 cups oats (blended), 2 scoops protein powder, 2/3 cup cottage cheese and 1 TBSP vanilla. 

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For the different flavors:

White Chocolate Raspberry: fold in 2 cups of raspberries. Once you pour your pancake on the griddle, add 3-5 white chocolate chips on top. (my batch size made 20 pancakes. Calorie: 101 Fat: 2 Carb: 11 Protein:13)

Dark Banana: use blender to mix in 3 bananas. This will make the batter a little runny. Again, add 3-5 dark chocolate chips per pancake once poured. (my batch made 23 pancakes. Calorie: 86  Fat: 1 Carb: 10 Protein: 9)

Blueberry White: fold in 2 cups of blueberries and again add 3-5 white chocolate chips per pancake. (my batch made 16 pancakes. Calorie: 101 Fat:1.5 Carb: 12 Protein:10)

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Once you have them all cooked, I put 3-4 in plastic baggies and store them in the freezer. I usually keep a bag in the fridge so they are defrosted. When you are ready to enjoy these AMAZING P-cakes, just pop them in the toaster! If you are watching your sugar, feel free to skip the chips, but they are my favorite part. That melty goodness in a random bite!!

PaRtY oN!!!

Temecula

April 2015:

I stumbled upon this gem while trolling Groupon for things to do near San Diego. A wine tasting in Temecula popped up, so I jumped on TripAdvisor and started to research. I was able to book us a wine tasting tour on the Grapeline Wine Tours, (www.gogrape.com) and found a really nice hotel at the Hampton Inn and Suites.

I had Ryan take the “scenic” route from San Diego to Temecula. As we came into wine country, the views were fabulous. We checked into our hotel around 2:30 pm and decided,  with 41 wineries in Temecula and the fact that we were only going to 4 on our tour tomorrow, we probably should go try one! We freshened up and started our on adventure to Europa.

Europa

IMG_1956This winery was AMAZING! They have three wineries featuring wines made in the styles of French wine, C’est la Vie Wine Chateau, their Spanish wine, Bolero and Vienza, which has a Tuscany southern French influence. Our sommeliers’ name was Dr. Doug. He was so interesting. He is a retired professor, who was working on his third level Sommelier certification. This guy knew his wine and I looked like a fool.

IMG_1968He taught us to look for the “legs” after you swirl your wine, how to check out the color and I added my own “trill” that my sister taught me. We had such a great time and since they had such an extensive selection we joined the club, 3 bottles every 2 months! Now we were part of Société Europa and Dr. Doug gifted me a coveted autographed cork! We selected a glass of wine and went out to the vineyard!

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Grapeline Wine Tour

Quick little review on them! They pick you up and drop you off at your hotel. They had an amazing day planned for us, warned us of how much we would be consuming and Melissa was our tour guide. Please request her, or come with me the next time I go! We booked the Picnic Tour for only $109 a person, yes please!

Leoness Cellars

Leoness means “village of dreams” and WOW this place was like a dream. We started down by the process plant and received our first taste. Our tour was perfect because as you are touring the grounds, you were given tastes along the way. The barrel room was beautiful, the vineyards lovely and the views were breathe taking. My favorite part of the tasting was the dessert wine at the end, 2007 Cinsaut Dessert Wine paired with a dark chocolate truffle. We really enjoyed their wine and loved that they had different tiers. We joined the club! 3 bottles every 3 months. I am most excited about this winery due to their Signature Collection Club. These wines must mature for 7-10yrs, which means we could enjoy them in our 40’s! FUN!IMG_1986

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Danza Del Sol

Now that we have a nice buzz going, lets cover stop #2. Danza Del Sol was the first winery to grow the Gewürztraminer grape, which is the wine they are known for. One of their most popular wines is the Orange Muscat with of flavors of vanilla and apricot and smelled like oranges. The reason I love to taste, is sometimes you find a gem and tis worth it. Luckily we didn’t join the club, but did grab a few bottles to take back to MN.

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Cougar Winery

Can we talk about the views at this place? They are located on top of a hill and have 360 views of the vineyards. Thank God this was our lunch stop, my buzz needed some carbs. The winery had lunch set up for up in their barrel room. The food was great and we were served a half glass of wine. Their wines here weren’t my favorite. They have a lot of sweet wines and table wines, so I brought a few of those. 3 down, 1 to go…and I’m just a little wine wasted!IMG_1997

South Coast Winery

This winery is huge and we are wine wasted for sure. Honestly I don’t remember much from this winery, except that it was beautiful and has an amazing spa and hotel. They also had 80+ different wines. Due to the fact that they have so many, we joined the club. Yeah, no that was a lie, were were just drunk and made a bad decision. IMG_2006Our tour dropped us of at our hotel and since were couldn’t drive anywhere, we ordered pizza and passed out. I am so happy I stumbled upon this gem. I am obsessed and can’t wait to go back.

Skinny Spaghetti

Who doesn’t love quick, simple, easy meals for dinner? I cooked this meal for dinner on Thursday before work. Whenever I cook a meal, I make 2-3 extra servings to eat for lunch or dinner the rest of the week! This one is awesome because you can freeze your meat sauce for meals within the month.  Enjoy!

Bison/Turkey Zucchini Spaghetti 

Serves 9

Cal: 284    P: 28.5     F:11    C: 16

 

Ingredients:

-1.25 pounds of ground bison (I use Kivasun from Costco)

-1.25 pounds of ground turkey

-small can of Muir Glen fire toasted diced tomatoes

– large jar of Muir a Glen garlic roasted pasta sauce

-6 medium zucchini
Steps: 

1. Use spiralizer to make zucchini noodles. I find that if you use paper towels and press to get out the moisture, they have a little more crunch.

2. Spread zucchini noodles on pan and bake for 10 mins at 350 degrees. I go blot out water halfway through and rotate around.

 3. While the noodles are baking, brown turkey and bison on stove top.

4. Once cooked, add both the diced tomatoes and pasta sauce.
When serving, I measured 1/2 cup zucchini noodles and 1 cup sauce. Top with fresh Parmesan and enjoy a glass of red wine!


Viola! Bon appetite! 

Persistence not perfection

When it comes to making our goals and achieving them, it takes hard work. You must create an action plan and be ready to excute all steps to make it happen. Most of us, including myself think you need to be perfect to meet your goal. The art of perfection is conforming to the definition of the ideal type and being beyond improvement. Ugh…that doesn’t exist and I would crumble trying to meet those standards. Insert PERSISTENCE! 

We all can be persistent. We can endure obstacles that get in our way and still find the path we are traveling. I have gotten lost multiple times in my journeys to achieving various goals. Unfortunately I wandered quite far the last few days. I have been running, running, running and when I get too overwhelmed, I fall and I fall hard. Every day pressures for perfection get to everyone. Eat perfect, workout every day, clean house, being on your game at work and being the best spouse, partner or mom is just an illusion. I’ve never met anyone who is perfect, but I am surrounded by some persistent people. 

So today marks my 60 day challenge to myself. Each day my goal is to do 20 mins of house keeping, 1 hour of yoga or exercise, read my weekly mantra and to follow my meal plan. That being said, I also need to listen to my mind and body and if I need a break, I can take it. 

What will your 60 day PERSISTENCE challenge be? Maybe it’s to pay a compliment to someone everyday, including yourself!! How about getting your daily H2O in? What about starting to have a date night or family night and go phone FREE? 

Can’t wait to hear what you will all be doing and how you will better your best by being consistent!